The Invisible Calculation
Do you have a team of teammates, or a team of actors?
It’s a heavy question, but as a leader, you need to be able to answer it. You might look around the room and see people hitting their marks, saying the right things, and contributing exactly what is expected. On paper, everything looks perfect. But beneath the surface, there is often a low-level calculation running constantly in the minds of your people: Am I too much here? Am I safe to say the real thing? Will this hurt my career?
This is the difference between belonging and fitting in.
Belonging is an exhale. It’s the feeling that you can bring your whole chest, your best ideas, your quietest concerns, your honest mistakes, into the room without fear of losing face or losing your job. Fitting in is the managed version of yourself. It’s a teammate arriving with their edges sanded down and the inconvenient parts of their humanity left in the car.
When your people are busy managing their visibility, they aren’t giving you their best thinking. They’re giving you their most agreeable thinking. And in a high-stakes environment, agreeable thinking is a liability.
The Cost of Mission-Blindness: A Lesson from Iraq
I learned the weight of this responsibility during a deployment to Iraq.
Two of my soldiers enjoyed playing video games to regulate and reconnect with themselves in a combat environment. It was a human moment in a place that often feels inhuman. I was tired, I was frustrated, and I wanted quiet. So I made an offhand joke about the magical boots they were discussing in the game.
It wasn’t malicious, but it had a sting. I chose my own mood over their humanity. I felt the shift in the conversation before I could even name it. They looked like they wanted to say something back. They didn’t.
That silence told me a lot. In that moment, they didn’t feel safe to respond. I had unintentionally signaled that what they cared about wasn’t worth my respect, and that conversation didn’t even involve me. I inserted myself. I missed the immediate opportunity to apologize, but I knew I had to address the erosion of trust I had caused.
I spent time learning about the game. Not to play it, but to understand the strategy and the problem-solving it required of them. When I started asking questions, genuine, curious questions, they started answering. That was the moment the walls came down. Because I made room for the whole person, the whole person showed up.
The Two Faces of the Whole Chest
We often think of a whole chest moment as a blowup or a dramatic resignation. Sometimes it is. But more often, it’s quiet. And as a leader, you need to be prepared to hold both with equal care.
The Bold “I Dare You.” This is the teammate who finally puts it all on the table, speaking from a place of frustration. They are daring you to judge them.
The Timid Bid. This is the quiet, even shaking voice asking a question they’ve held onto for months. The person wondering: I hope this doesn’t hurt how you view me.
Both are acts of incredible courage. For the timid person, that small question is their whole chest moment. They are taking a chance on you. They are offering you the gift of their honesty. If you meet that moment with judgment or dismissal, you aren’t just answering a question. You are telling them they don’t belong.
The Mirror
Trust is earned consistently, over time, in the small decisions nobody is watching. It’s earned in how you handle the magical boots moments of your own leadership.
If you are a leader, sit with this: are the people on your team teammates, or are they cogs? If they are cogs, they will only ever give you what is required to fit in. If they are teammates, they will give you their whole chest, but only if you make it safe enough to do so.
The decision to build a culture of belonging starts with a question, and it starts today. Every bid for connection from your team is an opportunity to lead with curiosity instead of ego.
Are you ready to stop managing visibility and start leading people?
LaSchwann Killens is an ICF-trained life and executive coach and the founder of VALADD Coaching. He works with leaders who are ready to build teams where people bring everything, not just enough.